Tasting One for the Team: Blue Doom, part 1
Welcome back to Tasting One for the Team, where I (Liz) foist unusual snack foods on my hapless colleagues and document the results for posterity! (Also, amusement.)
What a time of wonders we live in. Computers that can fit on your wrist; food ordered to your door with a few button clicks; robot floor cleaners and hats for cats and a Tumblr account dedicated to Werner Herzog quotes refashioned as motivational posters.
But I never dreamed I’d live in a world where 1) Blue Raspberry cookies are a thing, and 2) I make that thing from scratch* for people to eat as a joke.
*jk! Just add egg and butter!
Fellow humans, the future is now.
I’d been sitting on this Blue Raspberry flavored cookie mix (with Sweet Candy Bits**!) for almost a year, and just kept putting it off. They looked amazing, but not amazing enough for me to put in the effort of actually making them just so I could photograph everyone’s reactions. Until now.
**The name of Liddabit’s all-girl Warrant cover band.
In this brave new world, I will be splitting up the post this week: one half for the making, and one half for the eating. Buckle up, y’all.
A few things to note:
-Sweet Candy Bits!!!***
-Egregious and irresponsible use of the word “premium.”
-The Pillsbury® Doughboy®’s tiny adorable boardshorts with tiny adorable anchors on them. (Why?)
-“Frosting not included.” We’ll get to that in a second.
***My favorite family-friendly interjection: “Sweet candy bits, it’s hot out today!”
Also: “Ingredients.” So many mono- and di- and poly- things!
Let’s get blue, shall we?
Straight out of the box, it smells like aggressively fake fruit flavor, and looks like powdered Smurf.
Egg and butter added, mixed into a delicious and appealing goo!!!
…I’ve never been so put off by cookie dough. Those purple granules? Sweet Candy Bits. ****
****The working title of my memoir.
The instructions said to scoop out by teaspoons. Right, buddy; like I’m going to bother with that. Tablespoons it is!
Even so, I was done rolling blue dough after about 30 cookies. My time is too precious to spend more of it making blue cookies to torment my colleagues with. Solution: GIANT COOKIE.
It wasn’t until it baked up that I realized what had been nagging at me: this cookie bears a striking resemblance to Sully from Monsters, Inc.
Here’s the other thing that happened when the cookies baked up: I’d set the oven a bit too high (failing to adjust for our commercial convection oven), and the edges of the cookies browned a little.
Or rather, they would have browned. Being blue cookies, these…well, they greened.
Normally, this would be the point where I call everyone into the office and make them try this stuff while I take photos and laugh. Luckily, the canny merchandisers at the Atlantic Terminal Target store know me all too well, and made sure that some appropriately coordinated frosting was stocked right next to the blue cookie mix.
Don’t ask me why it’s “snow cone.” I couldn’t figure it out. The included glitter sugar, perhaps, that evokes the sparkle of shaved ice drowned in sugary syrup? The fact that blue raspberry is a popular snow cone flavor? Is it even a popular snow cone flavor?
I don’t know anymore, you guys. I just don’t know. Let’s see what’s behind Frosting Tub #1.
Gentle readers, it was at this point that I started to feel very sad.
I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. I think it had something to do with the effort I’d already put into the cookies, combined with the terrifyingly gloppy and opaque appearance of this frosting. Or maybe it was the angry blue smell that wafted up after the foil lid came off. I can’t quite pinpoint it…but it was real, and it was sudden, and it was existential.
Is this what we’ve come to? Is this what our children are eating? Are there no limits to the manipulations to which we subject our ever-increasingly engineered foodstuffs?
Oh well. These cookies aren’t going to frost themselves!
Aw. They actually looked kinda cute once the frosting came out of the tub and onto the cookie! Also, sprinkles. Chris, who was working at the Industry City store on this fateful Thursday, specifically asked if he could have one. “They’re such a pretty color!”
Oh, you can have one, Chris. You can have one.