Tasting One for the Team: Nopey Holidays
tend to be pretty busy for us are when we do most of our sales for the year
generally make us want to die a little bit because we’re running around like crazy people for months on end. Trust me, I have a whole bag overflowing with crazy, crazy snacks to foist upon my unsuspecting* colleagues here at Liddabit; but since we’ve been so busy making, packaging, and sending out candy, I haven’t had a chance to do a fresh version since our Autumnal Horrorshow in October. So let’s fire up the old time-traveling phone booth and see what there is to see.
*oops, I mean “deeply suspicious.”
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE GOLDFISH GRAHAMS
I wasn’t too familiar with Goldfish Grahams before I picked these beauties up, so I had no idea what to expect from these. Were they salty or sweet? Hollow or solid? How are they Strawberry Shortcake flavored as opposed to just Strawberry? Eagle-eyed Michelle pointed out that the first ingredient on the list is “SMILES,” so that really helped clear things up.
Jen: “They’re very strawberry-y. Oh, wait, I got it! They’re like the crunchies on the outside of a strawberry shortcake ice cream bar. They’re not bad!”
Michelle: “You know what they are? They’re Pocky. …Holy sh*t these are good.”
Monique: “It’s like Strawberry Quik, if Strawberry Quik were less disgusting. They’re good!”
Jessie: “It’s okay. Definitely a lot of fake strawberry.”
Liz (me): “They’re super fake, but I’m kinda into it.”
Surprisingly tasty! Negative-one BLERGH. Would eat again.
RED VELVET POP TARTS
Okay, so we were caught off guard by the tastiness of the grahams. Let’s try some red velvet junk!
Oh, wait. The color is…off. I don’t know what Pantone hue that is, but “red” it ain’t.
Oh. Oh no. This is the filling? It looks like the mozzarella in a Domino’s photo shoot. (Fun Fact: that’s what food stylists refer to as “pull.” Gross.) Jen’s first up.
Jen: “Oooh, I shouldn’t have smelled it. The smell is worse than the taste…it tastes like a stale cookie with stale frosting.”
Monique: “Oh my f***ing god, ew, no, this should be ILLEGAL. It’s slimy! The filling is like flour and water mixed together.” [She ran away to spit it into the trash. -Ed.]
Jessie: “I taste supermarket frosting, like you buy in a tub.”
Michelle: “Yeah, it’s like a grocery store cookie in the worst possible way. The aftertaste is very…chemical.”
Liz: “It actually tastes like actual vomit.”
Nope. Nope nope nope. Five out of five BLERGHs and a Nopetopus.
There you have it, folks. Now go eat some real homemade sweets and leave this trash for us poor lost souls.