Tasting One for the Team: Hot Fruit Jerky
Hoo boy. I’d been holding on to this one for a long time (possibly too long, but more on that momentarily), and am so very excited to share it with you guys.
I got this Chinese Brand Hot Fruit Flavored Beef Jerky in Chinatown ages ago to give to my boyfriend, who’s in the jerky game, because I am a great person and I ~*~LoVe My MaN!!!~*~
Also, it made me think of Strangers With Candy, which was a very funny show.
Boyfriend, however, refused to eat it; so I brought it in to work, as one does with rejected foodstuffs. And it sat around. And sat around. And finally we ate it. There was no expiration date on the package so I figured it would be fine to eat forever. Logic!
The main ingredient (aside from meat, of course) is fruit punch concentrate. Just think about that as you scroll through and laugh at our pain and discomfort.
Everyone was real mad about this one, so I went first. I’m just a nice guy like that.
Okay…this stuff was old. It tasted old. A little too old. But even more than that, it was just…really gross. Very sweet, very meaty. I didn’t really chew long enough to get any sense of how hot it was; I had to spit it out.
SPOILER! So did Jen.
The entirety of Jen’s reaction was just anguished noises. “Auuuugh! GUUUHHH!” That sort of thing. Also, please note in image 3 how she is taking the tiniest bite of anything that a human has ever taken a tiny bite of. (Jen hates this feature of the blog. Too bad, Jen. The people have spoken and they love this ish.)
Uh…okay, Monique’s reaction was pretty much just noises too.
What I love about Monique is how happy and game she is going into it. Hot Fruit Jerky? Sure, why not! That’s why I like you, Mo. You’re a go-getter. But everyone has their limits, and Mo also had to spit hers out (politely, into a tissue, like a Lady). Behind her you can just see Joan’s back, whose response to the jerky offer was “Oh [EXPLETIVE] no.” Whatever, Joan. You’re clearly missing out. LOOK AT ALL THE FUN WE ARE HAVING.
I always feel the worst about making Jessie eat all this crap, for some reason. She usually just looks really sad. The grosser the food, the sadder her face. But this time she’d had enough.
It goes from “meh” to “not that bad” to “ew” to “WHY DOES THE FLAVOR JUST KEEP GOING.” I love it. Keep it up, Jessie! I’m liking this new, enthusiastically-disgusted you!
Last up is Michelle. Michelle looks very worried in the second photo because Michelle is having a hard time biting through the jerky. (To be fair to Michelle, it was very tough.)
“Oh. OOOOH. OH NOOOOO.”
Michelle spit it out too. Watch your back, Hot Fruit Jerky; you’re 0 for 5 so far.
As a special bonus round, I took some over to our friends and neighbors Matt (l) and John (r) at Ends Meat. Being the resident meat experts at Industry City, it seemed
too nice unfair to spare exclude them from the forcible ingestion of opportunity to taste such nightmarish fine treats.
They had actual tasting notes.
“Rancid. It tastes like rancid fat.” (Okay, I get it, it was too old.)
“The texture is very…stringy. Twine-y.”
“The heat’s actually not bad!”
“Yeah, the fruit’s a little much, but. Yeah.”
Let the record show: in photo 4, John is going back for seconds. Because he is a professional. Don’t worry, though; after that we threw it away.
It would be 5 out of 5 BLERGHs; but in light of the fact that it was past its prime, I’ll deduct half of one for a total of 4.5. Maybe we’ll have to try a new bag sometime to compare and contrast. What do you guys think? (I think yes.)
Just so you know, we welcome submissions. Just stuff something gross into a potato sack, write the below address on it in Sharpie/spray paint, and bring it into your friendly local post office for prompt delivery. Don’t forget to bring a sock full of nickels to pay the postage!
c/o: Liz Gutman
220 36th St.
Brooklyn, NY 11232