Autumnal Horrorshow: the triumphant (?) return of Tasting One for the Team
Ah, autumn. Time of crisp, gorgeous weather; juicy, flavorful apples at the greenmarket; greatly increased frequency of Mr. Autumn Man sightings; and, of course, a grotesque cavalcade of “seasonally”-flavored treats available at a drugstore/coffee shop/bodega near you. Luckily my friends know me well enough to pick up stuff like this when they see it, because they know I’m going to make everyone eat it for the blog. (Except Joan. She really won’t budge.) To be fair, I also partake of everything myself. Fairness, right? It’s all about being fair.
Anyway. As it turns out, I have a backlog of stuff we did for Tasting One for the Team several months back…but all that will have to wait, because it’s AUTUMN and I like to stay TOPICAL. So, here’s some questionable autumn-themed stuff that we ate this week, in order of tasting.
RUSSELL STOVER BIG BITE S’MORE
The basic structure is a square marshmallow, covered in chocolate, sandwiched between two graham crackers. The grahams had come unstuck in transit, so this was a bit of a messy proposition — hence, no photos of it cut in half.
“Why does the marshmallow look like this? It tastes…wet.”
“Yeah, the marshmallow is a little spongy.”
“The graham crackers are stale and it’s too sweet.”
Meh. We wouldn’t go out of our way to find it, but it wasn’t offensive. Zero BLERGHs.
RUSSELL STOVER CARAMEL APPLE
An apple-flavored caramel covered in chocolate with squiggles of…other chocolate. The caramel was a pretty good texture, firm but not tooth-sticky. The flavor, tho…
“It smells like an apple Jolly Rancher.”
“Like Apple Pucker!”
“Oh my god, it tastes like the fake-ass apple jam inside an apple Pop-Tart.”
Medium gross. We don’t want to eat any more. One out of five BLERGHs.
RUSSELL STOVER RED VELVET PUMPKIN
Okay, first of all? Stop it with the pumpkins. Reese’s is the alpha and the omega of drugstore-candy-that-is-shaped-like-a-pumpkin-but-otherwise-much-the-same-as-any-other-time-of-year. This monstrosity is some kind of batter-like center (it contains wheat flour, for reals) enrobed in dark chocolate. You can see that the chocolate has gotten all oily in transit/storage. Yum. What do we think, guys?
“Oh, wow. That is SLIMY.”
“It tastes like barf.”
“Fakey-fake. I don’t even know what that flavor is.”
“I don’t like it.”
“No. NO NO NO.”
Pretty gross. About half of us spit it out. Two out of five BLERGHs.
RUSSELL STOVER BIG BITE PECAN PIE
This is another graham-thingy. It looks like it was supposed to be a caramel, dipped in chocolate and stuck onto a graham cracker; but you can kind of see from the photo that it’s crystallized, and it had a kind of fudgy texture.
“This tastes like…fake pancakes.”
“No, IHOP syrup!”
“Wow, that’s pretty terrible.”
“The taste just lingers! I can’t get it out of my mouth!”
“What’s up with the weird fudginess?”
“This is offensive.”
If you’re a fan of grainy Log Cabin syrup, go for it. Otherwise, stay the hell away. Three and a half out of five BLERGHs.
RUSSELL STOVER BIG BITE APPLE PIE
The last graham-thingy on the list; this one featuring a chocolate-covered, ominously-named APPLE PIE CENTER on top. It sort of looked like a square version of the apple caramel stuck on top of a graham cracker, so we figured it’d taste about the same, right?
“This tastes exactly like a Yankee Candle.”
“IT BURNS! My throat feels numb!”
“Why is this so bad?! It’s SO much worse than the other one!”
“Potpourri. It’s like eating potpourri.”
GTFO, Big Bite Apple Pie. You’re disgusting and we hate you. FIVE BLERGHS.
That’s it for this installment; now you know which flavors to
treat prank your friends with. But there are so many more amazing TOFTT features coming up…do stay tuned, won’t you? And if you ever get a tip on something we should try out, shoot me an email at liz (at) liddabitsweets (dot) com so we can document it for posterity.
Have a great weekend, everybody!